My heart hurts today...

I should be in bed but I cannot think about sleep right now.. my mind is spinning and my heart hurts.. aches for my family today.
My mother in law has cancer, she has had for sometime now and we all had hope, prayed for miracles, believed the doctors that they were going to help her..make her well.. keep her with us.

Today that hope ended and now our hope has turned to a new hope, a hope for less pain, less nausea, less medication, less sadness. Relief for her

There is a phrase worse than " you have cancer". It is "were sending you home from the hospital and setting you up with Pallative/Hospice care". For comfort..
This was the term I heard today from my mother in law followed by.. I don't have long, the kids need to know so they are prepared" 
*I* am not prepared.. her son is not prepared.
We thought we had 5 months to a year..not anything this short of time..

No one is ever prepared to lose someone they love when it could have been avoided if someone hadn't made a mistake months ago.. followed by another followed by stalling, waiting, hoping, wishing, meeting, more tests, lets try this for now.

I sat numb after speaking with her today thinking all these very selfish thoughts like..
She'll not see my 2 youngest children graduate, fall in love, get married, have babies...she wont be here. She wont be here at Christmas or Thanksgivings. There will be an empty seat that she should be sitting in. 
Life will never be the same.. ever. 
When I argue with my husband over the fact that I dont have a 6 burner gas stove and 2 wall ovens, whos going to laugh and take my side and say.. yeah why doesnt she have those Jamie?
When I royally mess up a pastry recipie who will I call to tell me what I did wrong?  On mothers day who will my husband fret over a gift for when she'd be happy with dinner with us over anything else? 

I am the rare type that actually loves and gets along well with my mother in law, so for me this is as great a loss coming as my husband and yet.. someone has to hold it together, someone needs to be "fine" 
Im so not fine.. I cannot imagine how the next few weeks, months, years will play out.
I know loss.. I know how it feels to lose someone this close, I know the hurt, anger, why"s that will come.

Normally when I blog I know what to say.. I have been trying to get these few paragraphs out now for almost an hour and this is all I can say.

Im sad. I'm scared. I'm so very angry. and helpless.

I have a difficult time talking about this to anyone cause i cry.. Ive cried most of the day. I have not been able to talk to my kids or step daughter about this cause I want to cry and I cant.. I need to be strong. I want to talk to my husband but I cant cause I dont know what to say to him... this is HIS mom but i feel like im losing my own.

I wanted to talk to someone today but everyone was at work... so I sat and cried.

I wonder how long before I run out of tears?
How long do we have with her a week? 2? maybe lucky enough for a month?

the biggest question I have for God.. why her?