Over the past month I have tried with all my mind to be positive and to see the good in each day..now I have found this is increasingly more difficult with each day that passes.. I feel like I take two steps forward and in a good place and wham someone kicks me right in the head and Im back down again. This morning I woke up sat at the table and watched my children arguing ( like they always do in the morning) but today was different.. they were arguing over what time Selaira was going to drive Victoria to school and it dawned on me..
life is so damn short.
It was just yesterday that Selaira was wheeling around the backyard in her little tykes car and Victoria was a baby in my arms and now.. Selaira is driving, getting ready to go off to college, Laura is married and has a child of her own now and Victoria is like this mini teenager who cannot wait to grow up.
I feel like I blinked and it all passed me by while I was so busy trying to make something of myself to make up for a whole life of being treating like I was a loser by people and family... I tried being a Singer, guitar player, songwriter, baker.. something my kids could remember me by and be proud of me.. and I feel like no matter what I did I failed.
except for ONE thing.. I am a damn nice person. and somewhat of a doormat.. but hey we gotta be good at something right?
If you ask my children if I love them.. they will say yes.
If you ask the people I love if I truly loved them.. they know I do cause I show it not say it.
If you ask starngers if I am kind.. they will say I am.
I found out what I am good at.. People pleasing... almost always at the expense of myself.
I give everything I have to everyone and somehow am made to feel bad when I hope for the same in return and question why I don't get it.
I encourage people and give advice even if they dont take it because I want whats best for everyone.. again but never take my own advice.
If I were talking to a friend or loved one about my life as it were theirs I would say this..
If people treat you like you dont matter, then leave them behind because THEY dont.
If you feel like you are invisible, show yourself to the world if they dont see you THEY are blind.
If you are unhappy with the way life has dealt you blow after blow of bad, make changes to make it better.
If you want to quit.. do it! theres no shame in giving up, you tried you did your best, if it wasnt good enough you can say I tried at least.
If you are tired lay down.
If People ignore you remember what are really doing it teaching you that you can in fact carry on without them in your life. You dont need them. And they dont need you.
Now all that said.. those things are all easier said than done but being that not following my own advice finds me more often than not hurt, crying, wondering why Im never good enough for people, why everyone I love dies or just gives up on me when I need them most. I need to change.
Some may call it selfish, some may say I dont have it in me.. but I think I do.
I believe I have the strength inside me to focus on the ones that matter to me. Do I want to live the rest of my life chasing after dreams that are ridiculous to achieve or hoping people will care back just cause I care? Do I want to wake up each day for the rest of whats left of my life feeling like if I fell off the planet 8 people will notice? NO.. HELL NO!
So, I made a decision..
Its me time.. Its time to live under MY terms, my rules and for what makes ME happy.
Happy me means happy people in my inner sanctum of people who truly give a shit... the ones who ask how you are and then wait for an answer.. not wait for their turn to talk about themselves and not hear what you just said or really care.
Surround myself with the people that dont punch a family and friend "time clock" of when they are available for a conversation..
Not surround myself with people who would ignore me on the street if they saw me because they are not willing to acknowledge we are friends while with their other friends.
I will not make first contact with people.. you wanna talk.. you know how to find me. I'll answer if I feel you genuinely want to know how I am.
There is a difference between selfish and self preservation.
Its my time to save my own life and hopefully I will look around 6 months from now and see who walked with me and are still at my side. If people are behind me I wont see them.
The past is the past.. leave it there.
Today I start fresh. Today I start over.
You never get to the end of a book if you stay stuck reading back chapters.
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