My heart hurts today...

I should be in bed but I cannot think about sleep right now.. my mind is spinning and my heart hurts.. aches for my family today.
My mother in law has cancer, she has had for sometime now and we all had hope, prayed for miracles, believed the doctors that they were going to help her..make her well.. keep her with us.

Today that hope ended and now our hope has turned to a new hope, a hope for less pain, less nausea, less medication, less sadness. Relief for her

There is a phrase worse than " you have cancer". It is "were sending you home from the hospital and setting you up with Pallative/Hospice care". For comfort..
This was the term I heard today from my mother in law followed by.. I don't have long, the kids need to know so they are prepared" 
*I* am not prepared.. her son is not prepared.
We thought we had 5 months to a year..not anything this short of time..

No one is ever prepared to lose someone they love when it could have been avoided if someone hadn't made a mistake months ago.. followed by another followed by stalling, waiting, hoping, wishing, meeting, more tests, lets try this for now.

I sat numb after speaking with her today thinking all these very selfish thoughts like..
She'll not see my 2 youngest children graduate, fall in love, get married, have babies...she wont be here. She wont be here at Christmas or Thanksgivings. There will be an empty seat that she should be sitting in. 
Life will never be the same.. ever. 
When I argue with my husband over the fact that I dont have a 6 burner gas stove and 2 wall ovens, whos going to laugh and take my side and say.. yeah why doesnt she have those Jamie?
When I royally mess up a pastry recipie who will I call to tell me what I did wrong?  On mothers day who will my husband fret over a gift for when she'd be happy with dinner with us over anything else? 

I am the rare type that actually loves and gets along well with my mother in law, so for me this is as great a loss coming as my husband and yet.. someone has to hold it together, someone needs to be "fine" 
Im so not fine.. I cannot imagine how the next few weeks, months, years will play out.
I know loss.. I know how it feels to lose someone this close, I know the hurt, anger, why"s that will come.

Normally when I blog I know what to say.. I have been trying to get these few paragraphs out now for almost an hour and this is all I can say.

Im sad. I'm scared. I'm so very angry. and helpless.

I have a difficult time talking about this to anyone cause i cry.. Ive cried most of the day. I have not been able to talk to my kids or step daughter about this cause I want to cry and I cant.. I need to be strong. I want to talk to my husband but I cant cause I dont know what to say to him... this is HIS mom but i feel like im losing my own.

I wanted to talk to someone today but everyone was at work... so I sat and cried.

I wonder how long before I run out of tears?
How long do we have with her a week? 2? maybe lucky enough for a month?

the biggest question I have for God.. why her?

Time to get busy living or get busy dying

Over the past month I have tried with all my mind to be positive and to see the good in each day..now I have found this is increasingly more difficult with each day that passes.. I feel like I take two steps forward and in a good place and wham someone kicks me right in the head and Im back down again. This morning I woke up sat at the table and watched my children arguing ( like they always do in the morning) but today was different.. they were arguing over what time Selaira was going to drive Victoria to school and it dawned on me..
life is so damn short.
It was just yesterday that Selaira was wheeling around the backyard in her little tykes car and Victoria was a baby in my arms and now.. Selaira is driving, getting ready to go off to college, Laura is married and has a child of her own now and Victoria is like this mini teenager who cannot wait to grow up.
I feel like I blinked and it all passed me by while I was so busy trying to make something of myself to make up for a whole life of being treating like I was a loser by people and family... I tried being a Singer, guitar player, songwriter, baker.. something my kids could remember me by and be proud of me.. and I feel like no matter what I did I failed.
except for ONE thing.. I am a damn nice person. and somewhat of a doormat.. but hey we gotta be good at something right?
If you ask my children if I love them.. they will say yes.
If you ask the people I love if I truly loved them.. they know I do cause I show it not say it.
If you ask starngers if I am kind.. they will say I am.
I found out what I am good at.. People pleasing... almost always at the expense of myself.
I give everything I have to everyone and somehow am made to feel bad when I hope for the same in return and question why I don't get it.
I encourage people and give advice even if they dont take it because I want whats best for everyone.. again but never take my own advice.

If I were talking to a friend or loved one about my life as it were theirs I would say this..
If people treat you like you dont matter, then leave them behind because THEY dont.
If you feel like you are invisible, show yourself to the world if they dont see you THEY are blind.
If you are unhappy with the way life has dealt you blow after blow of bad, make changes to make it better.
If you want to quit.. do it! theres no shame in giving up, you tried you did your best, if it wasnt good enough you can say I tried at least.
If you are tired lay down.
If People ignore you remember what are really doing it teaching you that you can in fact carry on without them in your life. You dont need them. And they dont need you.

Now all that said.. those things are all easier said than done but being that not following my own advice finds me more often than not hurt, crying, wondering why Im never good enough for people, why everyone I love dies or just gives up on me when I need them most. I need to change.
Some may call it selfish, some may say I dont have it in me.. but I think I do.
I believe I have the strength inside me to focus on the ones that matter to me. Do I want to live the rest of my life chasing after dreams that are ridiculous to achieve or hoping people will care back just cause I care? Do I want to wake up each day for the rest of whats left of my life feeling like if I fell off the planet 8 people will notice? NO.. HELL NO!

So, I made a decision..
Its me time.. Its time to live under MY terms, my rules and for what makes ME happy. 
Happy me means happy people in my inner sanctum of people who truly give a shit... the ones who ask how you are and then wait for an answer.. not wait for their turn to talk about themselves and not hear what you just said or really care.
Surround myself with the people that dont punch a family and friend "time clock" of when they are available for a conversation..
Not surround myself with people who would ignore me on the street if they saw me because they are not willing to acknowledge we are friends while with their other friends.
I will not make first contact with people.. you wanna talk.. you know how to find me. I'll answer if I feel you genuinely want to know how I am.

There is a difference between selfish and self preservation.

Its my time to save my own life and hopefully I will look around 6 months from now and see who walked with me and are still at my side. If people are behind me I wont see them. 
The past is the past.. leave it there.

Today I start fresh. Today I start over.
You never get to the end of a book if you stay stuck reading back chapters.

Yes, I know it's been awhile

Well, looking back it seems that I broke my resolution to blog at least once a week.
Life got in the way I suppose.

I know you all love when my posts are a HodgePodge of various rantings and thoughts by me and this will be no exception as a lot has happened since I last posted.
Grab a coffee sit back and enjoy!

I wonder where to begin.. Maybe the thing most on my mind these days.

Cancer.. heck yes I said it out loud.
You aren't supposed to talk about it, it makes people uncomfortable. Guess what.. its out there, consuming lives and affecting mine in many ways.
It strikes me as odd how Doctors can be so lacksidaisy on the subject of treatment and getting to the core of it.
There has been cancer running rampant through my life in the last 8 months. Every time I turn around, there it is again. Why is there no cure? oh, yes there actually is a cure BUT.. it is not profitable so why would they ever want to heal people? I mean the chemotherapy and hormone and radiation treatments is a billion dollar industry so why would they want to produce pills that cost mere pennies to make? Oh, that's right to save lives??!! Imagine that.. not letting people die and suffer and undergo surgeries and worry.
I hope to see this sometime before I die.. them bring this to a realisation instead of just a cure sitting in a lab unused.

Next.. Children these days.
Ok, I totally get that not all children are like mine and fear for their lives to talk back to me and when they do its because they totally believe in the point they are trying to make so they get brave but never EVER would you find my children being disrespectful to another adult.
It baffles me how many children out there talk to grown ups like they do.
I had a interesting conversation with one of my friends on this subject and then another friend and we are all in agreeance on this point.
How a child interacts with an adult whether it be a family member or a friend of the family is a direct reflection of how those adults are spoken about or respected by their own parents.
If you have a friend that you constantly put down or make snarky comments about or talk about behind their backs and talk shit about, the child will see that and assume that this is truly how you feel about that person and in turn show them the same disrespect, but the difference is... the child doesn't know enough to put on the "fake face" while interacting with that adult. All they know is "my mom/dad talks bad about them in front of me or within earshot so they must not deserve respect from me either"

So pay attention, if a child sasses you or says things that are hurtful and disrespectful to you on a regular basis and nothing gets said by the parent about it, its likely because that parent doesn't want their child to come back with "well you talk bad about them all the time" in front of you and their secret be out. I actually found out a few of my "friends" obviously have a lot to say by the way their children treat me and I did absolutely nothing to the children to warrant that attitude.
I think that as a society we have allowed children to become rude, spiteful, entitled individuals that when they step out into the real world and out from mommy and daddy's protection.. they re gonna get their asses kicked by someone who wont tolerate it.
Social media.. I allowed my child finally to have a facebook to communicate with her friends.. that's it. No instagram ( yet I am still thinking about that one) no twitter, no kik messenger or any of the other apps on the list of top 5 apps your child should not have ( can we say paedophile playground??) no snapchat and definitely no cell phone. What 10 year old needs any of that? Yet.. i open up these instagram and see pictures from little girls and think.. where are your parents while you take these pictures and post them on the Internet? so I don't mind at all when my child comes in, drops her bag at the door and turns right around and goes to the park to play with her friends and I have to drag her back in to eat and then shes back out till dusk. Better that than wasting her life away on the worldwide web of lies and trouble.

Which brings me to my next rant..
The other day my daughter came downstairs wearing my other daughters pants and shirt, my shoes and had my headband on her head and was wearing my new lipstick.. I said go take off everything that doesn't belong to you and put on your own things.
She replied that she wanted to be like me and selaira and look like us and dress like us and do what we did..
I realised this was my chance to have a good talk with her about individuality.
I sat her down ( after she changed back into her own things) and explained to her that God made us all different for a reason. He made us to look the way we did for a reason, yes sometimes we colour our hair and change how we dress but the reason has to be that you like it not so you can be like someone else. If you take up a hobby do it because you enjoy it and are interested not because your friend does it and you think you can do it better. If you like your hair short then cut it who cares if your friends have long hair.. YOU are not them, they are not you. Do not waste your life trying to be a copy of someone else. First of all your friends will get seriously annoyed by it and you'll find they don't want to be around you if you run around after them doing everything they do and copying how they look and dress and do their hair and you'll end up lonely and lost in who you are. They will in fact get mad and start to hate you for it and no longer share any information with you.
 Second, you will never know who YOU are if you don't allow yourself to find out. You cannot go through life being a mix of other people, be you.  ONLY you. She seemed to understand for the most part and asked questions like well what if Alyssa gets a shirt and I like it. I said..Ok, like it.. it doesn't mean you need to run out and get it.. I like plenty of things and lots of stuff my friends do, it doesn't mean I have to do it or buy it. I like Reading what Sheila writes, doesn't mean I'm going to become a writer. I like that Shannon paints her face for events on singsnap, it doesn't mean I'm going to start doing it. I like how kelly has a million animals running around her house, doesn't mean were going to move to a farm and do that too.. you see being different and having different interests makes friendships better, you can learn from them what they like and they can learn from you what you like, but you don't have to be carbon copies of each other or you might as well just be friends with yourself and they will feel that way too.. no one wants to be around someone that is JUST like them..


I gave up the guitar sometime back because well.. I just couldn't get it but I have a new plan on the horizon.. I'm going to be taking piano lessons. I figure I have two hands and long fingers.. I got this! So.. we'll see how that goes, I am already one step ahead of the game as I have a keyboard already that has been sitting collecting dust for years so I may as well put it to work. This may help me get back into writing music again if I can plink out a melody on the keys :)

Well I intended to write longer but I just as I have been doing a lot lately completely lost my train of thought and now have lost interest in thinking anymore, BUT... i do need to do this more often, maybe then my thoughts wont be quite so scattered and so much to write about that I cannot put it all into text..

until next time.. drink coffee and prosper!