Today I am going to rant a little about friends.. you know the people who place in our lives with the hopes that they will add something to your days and existence and make your life more complete.
but what about the ones that act like your friend but really just aren't..
You know the ones, we all have them.. the ones that always ask your advice yet never take it, the ones that are so busy hiding behind their fake shown to the world persona that you never really know who they are, but when you finally do realize it you are left feeling.. well a whole lot disillusioned that they were so manipulative you didn't see past the "nice" person you thought they were.
Or maybe the ones that find friends not cause they like you per say but they like themselves so little that they are simply looking for a new personality to emulate, a new person to become until they find a new person to become. Uh.. how about being yourself.. if you even know who you are? and of course the "when it's good for me" friend... like when they can fit you in ( usually when they need gossip , bored or yup, want something)
I'm going to start with the "askholes" the ones that ask, want advice and help and no matter what you tell them.. they do what they want to anyhow cause hey, you didn't waste your time giving them advice or anything.
These people always are in a state of overwhelmed, they take on too much, get in over their heads then when need help wont take it. These people constantly pick your brain, make you feel bad for them so you help and then slap you in the face by not even attempting to do what you suggest. Then look at you when it all goes wrong for help cause they only did part of what you suggested and didnt follow through.
Next we have the "goody two shoes" this is the one that acts all nice, and proper and you watch what you say around them because you don't want to offend them but then find out.. it was all an act. They aren't so "good" after all.
In fact sometimes you may find that they are worse than you. And although you can prove it thanks to other people who do know, you keep quiet to save other friendships and you being a good friend wouldnt want to hurt someone you care about.
They lie (not very well either which is how they get found out over time) they do things in their lives that they hide from friends and family because it would tarnish the image they want to portray to the world..but when you find out these little nuggets of info you look at them completely different and no longer moderate yourself when you talk to them, I mean why should you.. fake people have an image to maintain real people don't give a shit.
I like not giving a shit personally.. I guess that means I am comfortable who who I am as a grown ass woman I swear, I drink, I laugh at inappropriate things and you know what, I'm good with that and if people don't like it then well... bye
This brings me to the "emulator" the one that probably is the "fake friend too" the one that the more you know them the more they become like you, your style, your hobbies, tries to out-do you, can't seem to think on their own nor do they know who they are ( probably from so many years of pretending to be what they aren't).
At first you may be flattered that they take up things you are interested in because hey, then you have something to talk about, but then you see the same hair, clothes, way of speaking, all your interests are now theirs and you begin to wonder "would you like me to step aside and just let you have my personality and just be me, cause there is NOT room on the planet for two of me.
BUT never ever make the mistake of saying anything to anyone about it bothering you cause it'll get back to them and then they'll start acting like a twatwaffle.
These people you deal with by simply moving on to the next style, next idea, next hobby... let them have it if they want it so bad.. this is the great thing about being the emulated, clearly YOU are the one with the good ideas and have plenty of them and the talent to go along with it.
Which brings us to the "convenience store brand" of friend. The one that only talks to you when there's nothing better to do, no one else to talk to, need to be filled in on whats new and keep tabs on you.
These people aren't really your friend but possibly an enemy in disguise.. you know the saying.. keep your friends close keep your enemies closer, but they suck at it. It's hard to maintain a friendship (if you call it that) when all you are doing is digging for info and idle chit chat. These people dont care about your problems, in fact deep down they are overjoyed when bad stuff happens to you and don't care when there's great things, they get pleasure from your misfortune.
These people will only contact you when it's convenient if you try to make contact when they have something to do they will ignore you until the "right" time then make contact.
Quite often these people talk badly about their friends and family and judge them.. for the same shit they do in private no less. Then accuse their friends of not being around.. uh, hmm, wonder why? I only stick around because I feel like I am being forced to...
So you know if they talk shit about people they "love" you know they talk about you.. sometimes you are even fortunate enough to get told they talk about you and criticize you but for the very things you know they do themselves but no one else knows that. You being the bigger person does not retaliate but if you ever did you could blow their world apart with your knowledge.
But then.. there is this select group of people you call friends.. yes I do have some, it's a VERY small close knit group of about 6 that ARE friends. These are the ones you complain to about these other listed above friends. The friends that at any given time if you need them.. you know for certainty they are going to be there. The ones that will hate someone that wronged you without knowing them but on principal that they hurt someone they care about.
These are the people who remember special dates, fears, dislikes and remind you of things you need to do that you forgot. They never lie to you or hold back.
The ones you share everything with without fear of judgement, gossip, hostility.
These are the people that you can call crying over something silly and they do not find it silly at all and if they do they dont make fun of you or make jokes, they simply tell you.. that's fucking stupid snap out of it!!
These are the nes that can decipher chocking sobs that should be words and know just what to say. The ones that when you need them they dont check to see if they have time even if they should be somewhere. The ones that YOU try to be like, they are the friend to you that you are to them.. theres nothing else.. a common love, and friendship and respect you get from no one else in the world.
The friend that can say nothing at all but you know they heard every word you said and when they ask you your opinion they want it and will take your advice because they respected you and your infinite wisdom enough to ask for it, and the same goes with them, if they tell you to do something you try to..
This last group of people TRUE friends is who I plan to surround myself with from now on. No more "askholes" no more "fakers" no more "emulators" no more "convenience"
Just friends, who enrich our lives, make us better people for knowing them and make every single day worth living.
MY true friends know who they are.
Wednesday 13 November 2013
Wednesday 10 July 2013
Just a nice post no rants :)
While I was laying in bed, which is all I seem to do these days after my Hysterectomy ( I will cover that another time), I was thinking..
oh no is the collective thought here I'm sure. haha but seriously.
I was thinking not about the usual stuff like the kids fighting or what to make for dinner but just trying to find a good thought and something nice that made me smile I did manage to pull a few of those from my memory bank.
This one pertained to a conversation I once heard between a man and a woman years ago
.
Now I wasn't eavesdropping per say I just happened to hear and there are times I wonder about those two people.
I am pretty sure that this conversation that took place may have been one of my favorite things I can recall.,so I'm going to share it.
I heard this man say to the woman he was talking to that she looked very pretty that day and she brushed off his comment immediately with a put down of herself. ( of course I understand this as I do it myself when anyone tries to pay me a compliment lol)
He then said to her " Don't you know that you are beautiful? and I say that with all of my heart. You are!, on the inside and the outside. There is something about your kindness and caring and always giving of others that makes you that way. You have a beautiful smile and that smile carries right up to your eyes and you know it's real and that you are genuine"
She just sat there looking at him and he continued
"I will never tell you that you are hot or sexy any other of those words men use on women because you are not. I think calling a woman hot is only what you see on the outside and it's degrading to say those things to someone you love. I will always call you beautiful because it's your beauty that makes me love you with all my heart and that made me care for you so deeply"
She smiled at him and she said simply.
"thank you"
The look on her face after hearing this changed, it was like something inside her had changed, not that I think she suddenly felt beautiful but that maybe she felt respected by him. That she wasn't just a nice face and a good body but that she was being recognized for who she was on the inside. Even I got a little choked up at this point.
I am pretty sure if she wasn't already, she fell in love with him in that moment. He had her whole heart in his hands.
Now I often sit and wonder.. years later does he still feel that way about her, does he still think she's beautiful or did with time those sweet words and thoughts he had then fade?
Does she still feel beautiful and does he make her feel that way, does he ever tell her?
It got me then to thinking about how at the beginning of relationships and even the middle how so many things can be said that are so from the heart and pure and caring that fade over time.
Do people still put as much effort into staying in love with someone as they do falling in love in the first place.?
I guess I'd like to believe somewhere out there that man still thinks she is beautiful and that she still feels that way and that time has not let either of them forget why they fell in love in the first place.
:)
oh no is the collective thought here I'm sure. haha but seriously.
I was thinking not about the usual stuff like the kids fighting or what to make for dinner but just trying to find a good thought and something nice that made me smile I did manage to pull a few of those from my memory bank.
This one pertained to a conversation I once heard between a man and a woman years ago
.
Now I wasn't eavesdropping per say I just happened to hear and there are times I wonder about those two people.
I am pretty sure that this conversation that took place may have been one of my favorite things I can recall.,so I'm going to share it.
I heard this man say to the woman he was talking to that she looked very pretty that day and she brushed off his comment immediately with a put down of herself. ( of course I understand this as I do it myself when anyone tries to pay me a compliment lol)
He then said to her " Don't you know that you are beautiful? and I say that with all of my heart. You are!, on the inside and the outside. There is something about your kindness and caring and always giving of others that makes you that way. You have a beautiful smile and that smile carries right up to your eyes and you know it's real and that you are genuine"
She just sat there looking at him and he continued
"I will never tell you that you are hot or sexy any other of those words men use on women because you are not. I think calling a woman hot is only what you see on the outside and it's degrading to say those things to someone you love. I will always call you beautiful because it's your beauty that makes me love you with all my heart and that made me care for you so deeply"
She smiled at him and she said simply.
"thank you"
The look on her face after hearing this changed, it was like something inside her had changed, not that I think she suddenly felt beautiful but that maybe she felt respected by him. That she wasn't just a nice face and a good body but that she was being recognized for who she was on the inside. Even I got a little choked up at this point.
I am pretty sure if she wasn't already, she fell in love with him in that moment. He had her whole heart in his hands.
Now I often sit and wonder.. years later does he still feel that way about her, does he still think she's beautiful or did with time those sweet words and thoughts he had then fade?
Does she still feel beautiful and does he make her feel that way, does he ever tell her?
It got me then to thinking about how at the beginning of relationships and even the middle how so many things can be said that are so from the heart and pure and caring that fade over time.
Do people still put as much effort into staying in love with someone as they do falling in love in the first place.?
I guess I'd like to believe somewhere out there that man still thinks she is beautiful and that she still feels that way and that time has not let either of them forget why they fell in love in the first place.
:)
Tuesday 18 June 2013
I don't even know what to call this post
Todays post will make little sense but just all the thoughts running through my head in no particular order..i'll call it a rant and off chesting of sorts..
There are times in our lives when we do not know how to react to people. When they say things to you that are so mean and hurtful you in one of those rare moments in life fall silent waiting.. hoping.. that they will realize what they just said to you and see how assholish it actually sounded.
But sadly no, most times they don't. It's not even 10am and already I have experienced this today. Someone said something to me by all accounts hurt me to the core and yet kept talking like they'd said nothing wrong.. How does one respond?
I used to be a person that would call people out on thier bullshit quite promptly but after years of having my displeasure turned back on me I have given up, I say nothing and keep it in.. that is until I get on the phone with Sheila, THEN and only then do I get to say whats going on in my mind to a person who I know never judges me, never thinks I'm over reacting and even if she does she points it out in a way that is not condescending or hurtful. She listens to me and I her.
This is why she is my best friend.
I notice over many years friendships change. People take others for granted, expect them to take whatever you dish out and continue on your merry way.
Last week I removed 56 people off my facebook. Why? Well quite simply this.. I dont need to see a friends list compiled of 400 friends to make me feel like i have friends. What I rather is a list of 99 and of them 20 I talk to and the rest I enjoy seeing what they post.
I dont know how anyone can keep up with the goings on of that many people and not be emotionally and mentally exausted after reading it all, not to mention you may miss out on the stuff that matters to someone who matters cause you are caught up in a million daily posts.
I have found this to be true. I have posted things that were incredibly important and yet, overlooked.
Then people wonder why they dont know whats going on.
Electronic overload..
If people spent half as much time with thier kids as they do on thier phones, computers, tv etc.. we may have more well rounded children.
I know my girls are on thier electronics alot but it irks me to no end to see mothers and fathers of young children with thier hands on those beloved phones non stop..more than the average teenager..thats brutal.. who is really that important that you cannot put the damn thing down?
I sometimes see this and want to say "hey! You, mom/dad, why dont you shut your phone off and enjoy your children you claim to love so much instead of texting away like theres no tomorrow. Those people can wait, your kids will be grown soon.
Now on to trust..
You ever feel like you have people you cannot trust? Like every word you say to them is shared with someone else. When you text them you feel like actually saying hi to the person you are sure is being shown your messages just for the shock factor of, yeah I know you are showing it to them..You can figure this out easily because the other person cannot keep stuff to themselves and randomly out of the blue starts talking about a subject you were talking to someone else about..
Those are ah-ha moments. When you realize even though they swore that your conversation was just between you that it was shared. It truly makes you pull back from the original person and tell them very little.. unless of course you want it shared.
This happened to me for awhile I would talk to one person about something and then low and behold someone they know would try to bring up a subject similar to it..the next day or two days later.. huh. Next topic of conversation, im not playing that game. This doesnt sit well with noseys.. when you wont engage.
Kids: I love my kids but lately here they drive me crazy.. the fighting non stop, the back talk, and general messiness of their rooms is driving me to drink.
All the while I am listening to what all I can do and should do for them when they cant do one simple tyhing like pick up a damn plate... I'm going to go on strike in awhile here and see what happens while I am not able to do what I do everyday. THEN they will figure it out.
Well, now my coffee is empty and I need another and got to get to doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
There are times in our lives when we do not know how to react to people. When they say things to you that are so mean and hurtful you in one of those rare moments in life fall silent waiting.. hoping.. that they will realize what they just said to you and see how assholish it actually sounded.
But sadly no, most times they don't. It's not even 10am and already I have experienced this today. Someone said something to me by all accounts hurt me to the core and yet kept talking like they'd said nothing wrong.. How does one respond?
I used to be a person that would call people out on thier bullshit quite promptly but after years of having my displeasure turned back on me I have given up, I say nothing and keep it in.. that is until I get on the phone with Sheila, THEN and only then do I get to say whats going on in my mind to a person who I know never judges me, never thinks I'm over reacting and even if she does she points it out in a way that is not condescending or hurtful. She listens to me and I her.
This is why she is my best friend.
I notice over many years friendships change. People take others for granted, expect them to take whatever you dish out and continue on your merry way.
Last week I removed 56 people off my facebook. Why? Well quite simply this.. I dont need to see a friends list compiled of 400 friends to make me feel like i have friends. What I rather is a list of 99 and of them 20 I talk to and the rest I enjoy seeing what they post.
I dont know how anyone can keep up with the goings on of that many people and not be emotionally and mentally exausted after reading it all, not to mention you may miss out on the stuff that matters to someone who matters cause you are caught up in a million daily posts.
I have found this to be true. I have posted things that were incredibly important and yet, overlooked.
Then people wonder why they dont know whats going on.
Electronic overload..
If people spent half as much time with thier kids as they do on thier phones, computers, tv etc.. we may have more well rounded children.
I know my girls are on thier electronics alot but it irks me to no end to see mothers and fathers of young children with thier hands on those beloved phones non stop..more than the average teenager..thats brutal.. who is really that important that you cannot put the damn thing down?
I sometimes see this and want to say "hey! You, mom/dad, why dont you shut your phone off and enjoy your children you claim to love so much instead of texting away like theres no tomorrow. Those people can wait, your kids will be grown soon.
Now on to trust..
You ever feel like you have people you cannot trust? Like every word you say to them is shared with someone else. When you text them you feel like actually saying hi to the person you are sure is being shown your messages just for the shock factor of, yeah I know you are showing it to them..You can figure this out easily because the other person cannot keep stuff to themselves and randomly out of the blue starts talking about a subject you were talking to someone else about..
Those are ah-ha moments. When you realize even though they swore that your conversation was just between you that it was shared. It truly makes you pull back from the original person and tell them very little.. unless of course you want it shared.
This happened to me for awhile I would talk to one person about something and then low and behold someone they know would try to bring up a subject similar to it..the next day or two days later.. huh. Next topic of conversation, im not playing that game. This doesnt sit well with noseys.. when you wont engage.
Kids: I love my kids but lately here they drive me crazy.. the fighting non stop, the back talk, and general messiness of their rooms is driving me to drink.
All the while I am listening to what all I can do and should do for them when they cant do one simple tyhing like pick up a damn plate... I'm going to go on strike in awhile here and see what happens while I am not able to do what I do everyday. THEN they will figure it out.
Well, now my coffee is empty and I need another and got to get to doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Sunday 19 May 2013
Reason's I am the way I am.. In detail, no holds barred. be warned
Before you read this I need to warn you.. I do not want sympathy. I want understanding to my behaviors in the last year or 2.. that is all.
Lately people have questioned why I am moody, and not nice and generally don't really care to much for people's feelings.. Well.. the short answer..there is no short answer.
This will likely be my longest and most insightful blog as to who I am on the inside, so hold on to your seats, it's going to be a bumpy ride...
Lets flashback about 4.5 years, it's really when nice Chanda began her retreat behind her personal wall of protection.
I was living a decent life, 3 kids, a house a husband a dog.. you know the proverbial fairytale.. but was it?
Hardly. I was miserable. I had a husband that rarely noticed I was in the room. My hair could be on fire and he'd barely look up from his computer.
I was struggling with depression and really had no one to turn to but one friend ( i'll get to her later.. she was no friend) I was sick and I knew it, I knew something was not right so off to the doctor I went.
Turns out I had a problem with my thyroid. I knew something had been wrong for some time, I was losing weight at a rapid rate, my hair was falling out, I had no energy and no emotion for anything. I was a shell of a woman being pumped full of medication to fix what ailed me.. and still did not help.
I started having severe pain in my abdomen all the time, back to the doctor to see why.. no answers, off to a specialist.. finally he decided he wanted to do some tests, but this would wait. I found out about this time the reason my husband was so busy on the computer was so he could spend time with his "friend" he met at work.. she was married as well..needless to say that was the end of my marriage then and there, I asked him to move out that day and I became a truly single mom although I had felt for over a year I was anyways.
He left and I started my tests, these went on for about 7 months before they decided they wanted to do a punch biopsy in my uterus to test me because one test came back with not desirable results.
All through this I leaned on my friend, I contemplated taking back my husband and forgiving him and giving a go at working on our marriage. She spent a lot of time convincing me that it was a bad idea, I was better off without him, if he cheated on me once he would do it again.. wow was she ever right.. and she knew it.. as SHE was starting a relationship with him.
Doing what I think is possibly the most heinous, unthinkable, unforgivable act one person can do to someone they call a friend.
Suddenly it all came back to me how she basically had emulated every other thing about me, my hair, my style of dress, my hobbies, everything..why not my husband too and yes he was still my husband although we were separated.
All I ever heard from him was how I was all he wanted and needed. Then what was he doing with that skank?.
Well... once I showed my displeasure her and her mother ( yes a grown woman sicking her mommy on me) turned me into the villan in this.. how dare I be mad at that? It's perfectly acceptable to carry on behind someones back with your spouses friend right? I mean apparently. The harassment over this went on for well over 2 years.
The day after I found out about my so called friend and my husband I got results from the biopsy, they had found I had what they called pre-cancerous cells a very small area on the lining of my uterus, these could be removed easily but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.
I thought for a time that it really couldn't get any worse..I wanted to die.. literally.
Thankfully I did have a friend who while I had not known for long I felt I could trust to speak freely to.. I am happy to say this rock, this pillar of strength is still to this day my most cherished dearest best friend in the whole world. She has saved my life more times than she even knows.
I had found a new circle of friends and people I became close to and felt I could trust and start a new life of healthy relationships and leave the bad in the past.
These were the people I now called my close friends. I told them things I would never admit to anyone, I cried in front of them, shared my fears and in return expected only the same.
All through my health issues which seemed one after another I had another devastating blow.
I found that one of the people I cared for and called a friend was not who they claimed at all.. everything but their name was a big lie.
How do you recover entirely from that? You don't even if you try you can never trust them again.
This person had lied about everything about them, what they did, how their life was, who they were as far as a person. This hurt me so badly I didn't know what to do anymore.
I finally found the strength inside me to forgive my husband and take him back and it was a struggle, between trust issues and my health and the day to day running of a household, but you know I have to tell you all through it.. my kids and my best friend were what kept me from ending it all on several occasions.
In 2010 I was rushed to the hospital with severe pain that they thought was my appendix, it was not. Scar tissue from my c section had built up and attached itself to my ovaries and colon and needed to be surgically removed, so another surgery for me.
I recovered from this and sometimes I stand after a bath or shower and look at myself in the mirror and I see all my scars from surgeries I've had and I am reminded I survived them, I survived the breast lumps, the c sections, the laproscopic surgery to remove the scar tissue... they are my badges.. now though I prepare once more for a big one. Its the scars you can't see on the outside that cause me the real pain, the scars on my heart.
4 days before Christmas of 2011 I reached my breaking point I found myself sitting alone in my bathroom surrounded by every bottle of medication I had in the house and being I was in so much pain there were some heavy duty pain killers and depression meds at hand, enough to likely kill an elephant.
I sat on the floor looking at them all, feeling like I really had nothing left to lose. I felt I was no use to my children, my friends, or my husband the way I was.
I was crying and opening the bottles.
My step father was over visiting and in my mind this was the time to just do it. He was there for the kids, he could take care of it. He always took care of everything...Jamie was at work and I was just tired of hurting emotionally, physically, mentally. My life flashed before my eyes..my horrid childhood, my teenage years, the past years that were still fresh in my mind. All the betrayal I had endured and the feeling of hopelessness was strong. I sat there for more than 20 minutes piled all the pills into one pile and was ready to go and then it occurred to me what i was doing.. |I was not thinking clearly. I know how suicide affects a person from my own experience. How could I do this to my children? I would ruin thier lives more than I was as I was. This was permanent and in my own mind set I was sure since I was such a failure I would probably not do it right and end up a vegetable.
I poured all the pills in the toilet and flushed them and left the bathroom, I walked straight to my stepfather and told him what happened and asked him to take me to the hospital because i needed help before I hurt myself. He took me and I got the help I needed thankfully.
All through these years this pain never went away it just got worse, there were days I couldnt get out of bed. Finally I was diagnosed 2 years ago with endometriosis.. there's no cure, it spreads. There are treatments but after 2 years of them nothing has been truly effective..which leaves us with this.. a hystorectomy. Ok I'm ready for it. BUT.. I'm scared, terrified actually that what if this doesn't fix it? What if it just starts a whole new ball of problems? What if I don't survive the surgery.
The final hurt in my life came a few days after Christmas of 2011.. my grandfather, them one man I could always always count on, who raised me as his own had a stroke. I was helpless to do anything but sit at the hospital and pray.. I never prayed so much in my life until I didn't know what I was praying for anymore.. did I want him to live or did I want him out of pain? I loved this man.. the most corageous, upstanding man in my life, my role model.. laying there not in there when I looked in his eyes.
I started to pray for him to let go. Be free of the chains that held him here.
he passed away Jan 3rd 2012. I knew the moment he died. I felt it in my chest, I sat up on the couch and couldnt breathe.. the phone call came 5 minutes later.
I was devastated. I wanted him back.
Now as you are reading this you may think.. there are people who have it worse and yes there are..and someone said this to me this week.. I have a dear friend who has survived cervical cancer, kidney problems and she doesn't have the shitty outlook I do.. I can't help it. Some people deal better than others.
I snap at people, I cry everyday, I wonder what next...well I got that answer not too long ago.. what next came was in the form of yet another lump in my breast. Biopsy ok.. now what.. we could try and remove this one too but something keeps telling me this one is different, don't open it up and expose it to air..if it is bad, it will spread.
I have tried so hard to put this stupid happy grin on my face, pretend I'm strong when I'm not and try to put up this act of I'm ok.. but I'm not..I'm so weak.
I don't want sympathy, that is not the intention of this blog but more so the people who wonder :"what the hell is her problem, why does she act this way" can maybe understand.
I dont mean to be mean, I don't mean to be snarly and short with people, I don't mean to cry for what seems to others to be no reason. but unless I tell people what's wrong how can anyone understand.. I'm not just a bitch. I'm scared. I hurt. I'm human.
I also have run out of tolerance for people in my life that only come around when they need something, are bored or wonder if a snippy status is about them. Don't flatter yourself, here lately sad as it is no one really means that much to me to bother.
I have found who my true friends are and who cares.
These are the people I cling to.
I have had people say.. how can anyone help if they don't know? well.. now you know.
You will notice this has incorrect punctuation and improper paragraphing but when you are speaking from the heart and trying to lay it all out there before you change your mind about bearing it all.. these things are of little concern.
Lately people have questioned why I am moody, and not nice and generally don't really care to much for people's feelings.. Well.. the short answer..there is no short answer.
This will likely be my longest and most insightful blog as to who I am on the inside, so hold on to your seats, it's going to be a bumpy ride...
Lets flashback about 4.5 years, it's really when nice Chanda began her retreat behind her personal wall of protection.
I was living a decent life, 3 kids, a house a husband a dog.. you know the proverbial fairytale.. but was it?
Hardly. I was miserable. I had a husband that rarely noticed I was in the room. My hair could be on fire and he'd barely look up from his computer.
I was struggling with depression and really had no one to turn to but one friend ( i'll get to her later.. she was no friend) I was sick and I knew it, I knew something was not right so off to the doctor I went.
Turns out I had a problem with my thyroid. I knew something had been wrong for some time, I was losing weight at a rapid rate, my hair was falling out, I had no energy and no emotion for anything. I was a shell of a woman being pumped full of medication to fix what ailed me.. and still did not help.
I started having severe pain in my abdomen all the time, back to the doctor to see why.. no answers, off to a specialist.. finally he decided he wanted to do some tests, but this would wait. I found out about this time the reason my husband was so busy on the computer was so he could spend time with his "friend" he met at work.. she was married as well..needless to say that was the end of my marriage then and there, I asked him to move out that day and I became a truly single mom although I had felt for over a year I was anyways.
He left and I started my tests, these went on for about 7 months before they decided they wanted to do a punch biopsy in my uterus to test me because one test came back with not desirable results.
All through this I leaned on my friend, I contemplated taking back my husband and forgiving him and giving a go at working on our marriage. She spent a lot of time convincing me that it was a bad idea, I was better off without him, if he cheated on me once he would do it again.. wow was she ever right.. and she knew it.. as SHE was starting a relationship with him.
Doing what I think is possibly the most heinous, unthinkable, unforgivable act one person can do to someone they call a friend.
Suddenly it all came back to me how she basically had emulated every other thing about me, my hair, my style of dress, my hobbies, everything..why not my husband too and yes he was still my husband although we were separated.
All I ever heard from him was how I was all he wanted and needed. Then what was he doing with that skank?.
Well... once I showed my displeasure her and her mother ( yes a grown woman sicking her mommy on me) turned me into the villan in this.. how dare I be mad at that? It's perfectly acceptable to carry on behind someones back with your spouses friend right? I mean apparently. The harassment over this went on for well over 2 years.
The day after I found out about my so called friend and my husband I got results from the biopsy, they had found I had what they called pre-cancerous cells a very small area on the lining of my uterus, these could be removed easily but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.
I thought for a time that it really couldn't get any worse..I wanted to die.. literally.
Thankfully I did have a friend who while I had not known for long I felt I could trust to speak freely to.. I am happy to say this rock, this pillar of strength is still to this day my most cherished dearest best friend in the whole world. She has saved my life more times than she even knows.
I had found a new circle of friends and people I became close to and felt I could trust and start a new life of healthy relationships and leave the bad in the past.
These were the people I now called my close friends. I told them things I would never admit to anyone, I cried in front of them, shared my fears and in return expected only the same.
All through my health issues which seemed one after another I had another devastating blow.
I found that one of the people I cared for and called a friend was not who they claimed at all.. everything but their name was a big lie.
How do you recover entirely from that? You don't even if you try you can never trust them again.
This person had lied about everything about them, what they did, how their life was, who they were as far as a person. This hurt me so badly I didn't know what to do anymore.
I finally found the strength inside me to forgive my husband and take him back and it was a struggle, between trust issues and my health and the day to day running of a household, but you know I have to tell you all through it.. my kids and my best friend were what kept me from ending it all on several occasions.
In 2010 I was rushed to the hospital with severe pain that they thought was my appendix, it was not. Scar tissue from my c section had built up and attached itself to my ovaries and colon and needed to be surgically removed, so another surgery for me.
I recovered from this and sometimes I stand after a bath or shower and look at myself in the mirror and I see all my scars from surgeries I've had and I am reminded I survived them, I survived the breast lumps, the c sections, the laproscopic surgery to remove the scar tissue... they are my badges.. now though I prepare once more for a big one. Its the scars you can't see on the outside that cause me the real pain, the scars on my heart.
4 days before Christmas of 2011 I reached my breaking point I found myself sitting alone in my bathroom surrounded by every bottle of medication I had in the house and being I was in so much pain there were some heavy duty pain killers and depression meds at hand, enough to likely kill an elephant.
I sat on the floor looking at them all, feeling like I really had nothing left to lose. I felt I was no use to my children, my friends, or my husband the way I was.
I was crying and opening the bottles.
My step father was over visiting and in my mind this was the time to just do it. He was there for the kids, he could take care of it. He always took care of everything...Jamie was at work and I was just tired of hurting emotionally, physically, mentally. My life flashed before my eyes..my horrid childhood, my teenage years, the past years that were still fresh in my mind. All the betrayal I had endured and the feeling of hopelessness was strong. I sat there for more than 20 minutes piled all the pills into one pile and was ready to go and then it occurred to me what i was doing.. |I was not thinking clearly. I know how suicide affects a person from my own experience. How could I do this to my children? I would ruin thier lives more than I was as I was. This was permanent and in my own mind set I was sure since I was such a failure I would probably not do it right and end up a vegetable.
I poured all the pills in the toilet and flushed them and left the bathroom, I walked straight to my stepfather and told him what happened and asked him to take me to the hospital because i needed help before I hurt myself. He took me and I got the help I needed thankfully.
All through these years this pain never went away it just got worse, there were days I couldnt get out of bed. Finally I was diagnosed 2 years ago with endometriosis.. there's no cure, it spreads. There are treatments but after 2 years of them nothing has been truly effective..which leaves us with this.. a hystorectomy. Ok I'm ready for it. BUT.. I'm scared, terrified actually that what if this doesn't fix it? What if it just starts a whole new ball of problems? What if I don't survive the surgery.
The final hurt in my life came a few days after Christmas of 2011.. my grandfather, them one man I could always always count on, who raised me as his own had a stroke. I was helpless to do anything but sit at the hospital and pray.. I never prayed so much in my life until I didn't know what I was praying for anymore.. did I want him to live or did I want him out of pain? I loved this man.. the most corageous, upstanding man in my life, my role model.. laying there not in there when I looked in his eyes.
I started to pray for him to let go. Be free of the chains that held him here.
he passed away Jan 3rd 2012. I knew the moment he died. I felt it in my chest, I sat up on the couch and couldnt breathe.. the phone call came 5 minutes later.
I was devastated. I wanted him back.
Now as you are reading this you may think.. there are people who have it worse and yes there are..and someone said this to me this week.. I have a dear friend who has survived cervical cancer, kidney problems and she doesn't have the shitty outlook I do.. I can't help it. Some people deal better than others.
I snap at people, I cry everyday, I wonder what next...well I got that answer not too long ago.. what next came was in the form of yet another lump in my breast. Biopsy ok.. now what.. we could try and remove this one too but something keeps telling me this one is different, don't open it up and expose it to air..if it is bad, it will spread.
I have tried so hard to put this stupid happy grin on my face, pretend I'm strong when I'm not and try to put up this act of I'm ok.. but I'm not..I'm so weak.
I don't want sympathy, that is not the intention of this blog but more so the people who wonder :"what the hell is her problem, why does she act this way" can maybe understand.
I dont mean to be mean, I don't mean to be snarly and short with people, I don't mean to cry for what seems to others to be no reason. but unless I tell people what's wrong how can anyone understand.. I'm not just a bitch. I'm scared. I hurt. I'm human.
I also have run out of tolerance for people in my life that only come around when they need something, are bored or wonder if a snippy status is about them. Don't flatter yourself, here lately sad as it is no one really means that much to me to bother.
I have found who my true friends are and who cares.
These are the people I cling to.
I have had people say.. how can anyone help if they don't know? well.. now you know.
You will notice this has incorrect punctuation and improper paragraphing but when you are speaking from the heart and trying to lay it all out there before you change your mind about bearing it all.. these things are of little concern.
Friday 12 April 2013
What are we mothers doing to our own children?
So today I am a little bit perplexed being a mother of three daughters and a step daughter in today's society.
Last night I went into my youngest daughter's room to read her a story in hoped that she would calm down and go to sleep. When I went in she was sitting on her bed looking at a naked barbie.
I said to her "what are you doing?"
She said.. "mommy do you think Barbie is pretty?"
I said "She's not as pretty as you are"
She said "Well Barbie doesn't look like me, I don't look like this when i have no clothes on"
I then took a deep breath and thought now I am going to have to explain that she will not look like that until she reaches puberty..
so I started with " why does it matter if you look like Barbie?"
she looked at me with her innocent face and said. "Isn't this what pretty girls are supposed to look like? This is what you look like and Selaira looks like"
I said "well.. Selaira and I are older than you though, we have body parts that you have not yet developed."
she said "but when I get bigger and I want to get a boyfriend, isnt this what I need to look like so they will think I'm pretty?"
I stopped for a minute and just looked at her not really knowing what to say.
I have never been one for being all about what I look like, I am what I am. I don't diet (well except that one time when I went from wearing a size 1/2 to a size 12 when I quit smoking but i dieted to get back to a point where I wasn't winded walking up the stairs)
I eat whatever I want when I want and I don't care about calories.. I have never been gung ho on working out or obsessing on my figure so I was not sure why this was an issue for her, it's not like that is what she had been subjected to in her life. So I said the only thing I could say to her.
"Being pretty has nothing at all to do with what you look like on the outside, yes some people like to look like barbie but in reality what makes you pretty is your personality, your face, how you do your hair no matter what colour or length it is. What makes someone pretty is their self esteem, you must FEEL pretty to be pretty."
Of course then I realized that I over explained this to my 9 year old when she looked at me with a blank stare.
I continued by saying " Honey here's the thing, no one can like you if you don't like yourself, no one will be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself. Someday maybe you'll grow up and look like barbie and if you grow up and you look like your stuffed teddy bear it does not matter in the least. People will like you for you and your beauty will shine through in what we call confidence."
I then asked her something very important
I said to her " do you think Sheila (my best friend) is pretty?"
her face lit up and she said " yes! I love Sheila, Sheila is beautiful"
I said "ok, then.. does Sheila look like Barbie?"
She smiled and said.." she has hair like my Ariel barbie.
I had to smile at that
I said "ok but she does not have the same body as barbie does she?"
she put her head down and said " no, mommy she doesn't"
I said "ok so what do you think I'm going to say next?"
She thought about it for a minute and then I saw the light bulb go on.. she said to me
"it doesn't matter if you look like barbie cause you can be pretty any way you look"
*insert huge sigh of relief that she got it*
Here is my issue now, I see far too many of my friends who are already thin constantly complaining about their weight, trying to get thinner, trying to kill themselves to have a model type body.
It angers me that we should as mothers, be spending more time trying to show them that being beautiful is not defined by how much you weigh, what size clothes you wear or how you compare to a plastic doll or what society has portrayed as "perfect"?
Maybe we as mothers of this new generation of girls should instead spend less time focusing on looking like a model for someone else and become a role model for them?
After all who do our girls look up to the most? who do they want to be like? if our daughters think we are beautiful and we constantly are on a mission to be "better" what are we telling them about themselves? Heaven forbid they are already not happy with the way they compare to Barbie
If we spend our days dieting and trying to lose weight all we are doing is setting the ground work for them to grow up to do the same thing.
Maybe we should be taking that time we spend doing that to teach our girls about true beauty, the kind that comes from within..
The cycle needs to stop with us!!! Love ourselves for who we are and what we look like. THESE are the bodies that God gave us, he thinks he did a good job who the hell are we to change what HE made?
We cannot continue to let our girls believe if you don't look like this one or that one you aren't good enough!!
Mothers have the power to make or break our children's self esteem and thoughts on what is pretty and not.
So I say this, to all the moms out there that may not realize it. These impressionable young girls see all and hear all even when we think they don't stop complaining about yourself and start building up your child.
Not to mention that seeing skinny people complain about thier weight also insults the shit out of people who actually do have a few pounds on them. It makes them feel worse. It's rude and disrespectful.
End rant
Last night I went into my youngest daughter's room to read her a story in hoped that she would calm down and go to sleep. When I went in she was sitting on her bed looking at a naked barbie.
I said to her "what are you doing?"
She said.. "mommy do you think Barbie is pretty?"
I said "She's not as pretty as you are"
She said "Well Barbie doesn't look like me, I don't look like this when i have no clothes on"
I then took a deep breath and thought now I am going to have to explain that she will not look like that until she reaches puberty..
so I started with " why does it matter if you look like Barbie?"
she looked at me with her innocent face and said. "Isn't this what pretty girls are supposed to look like? This is what you look like and Selaira looks like"
I said "well.. Selaira and I are older than you though, we have body parts that you have not yet developed."
she said "but when I get bigger and I want to get a boyfriend, isnt this what I need to look like so they will think I'm pretty?"
I stopped for a minute and just looked at her not really knowing what to say.
I have never been one for being all about what I look like, I am what I am. I don't diet (well except that one time when I went from wearing a size 1/2 to a size 12 when I quit smoking but i dieted to get back to a point where I wasn't winded walking up the stairs)
I eat whatever I want when I want and I don't care about calories.. I have never been gung ho on working out or obsessing on my figure so I was not sure why this was an issue for her, it's not like that is what she had been subjected to in her life. So I said the only thing I could say to her.
"Being pretty has nothing at all to do with what you look like on the outside, yes some people like to look like barbie but in reality what makes you pretty is your personality, your face, how you do your hair no matter what colour or length it is. What makes someone pretty is their self esteem, you must FEEL pretty to be pretty."
Of course then I realized that I over explained this to my 9 year old when she looked at me with a blank stare.
I continued by saying " Honey here's the thing, no one can like you if you don't like yourself, no one will be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself. Someday maybe you'll grow up and look like barbie and if you grow up and you look like your stuffed teddy bear it does not matter in the least. People will like you for you and your beauty will shine through in what we call confidence."
I then asked her something very important
I said to her " do you think Sheila (my best friend) is pretty?"
her face lit up and she said " yes! I love Sheila, Sheila is beautiful"
I said "ok, then.. does Sheila look like Barbie?"
She smiled and said.." she has hair like my Ariel barbie.
I had to smile at that
I said "ok but she does not have the same body as barbie does she?"
she put her head down and said " no, mommy she doesn't"
I said "ok so what do you think I'm going to say next?"
She thought about it for a minute and then I saw the light bulb go on.. she said to me
"it doesn't matter if you look like barbie cause you can be pretty any way you look"
*insert huge sigh of relief that she got it*
Here is my issue now, I see far too many of my friends who are already thin constantly complaining about their weight, trying to get thinner, trying to kill themselves to have a model type body.
It angers me that we should as mothers, be spending more time trying to show them that being beautiful is not defined by how much you weigh, what size clothes you wear or how you compare to a plastic doll or what society has portrayed as "perfect"?
Maybe we as mothers of this new generation of girls should instead spend less time focusing on looking like a model for someone else and become a role model for them?
After all who do our girls look up to the most? who do they want to be like? if our daughters think we are beautiful and we constantly are on a mission to be "better" what are we telling them about themselves? Heaven forbid they are already not happy with the way they compare to Barbie
If we spend our days dieting and trying to lose weight all we are doing is setting the ground work for them to grow up to do the same thing.
Maybe we should be taking that time we spend doing that to teach our girls about true beauty, the kind that comes from within..
The cycle needs to stop with us!!! Love ourselves for who we are and what we look like. THESE are the bodies that God gave us, he thinks he did a good job who the hell are we to change what HE made?
We cannot continue to let our girls believe if you don't look like this one or that one you aren't good enough!!
Mothers have the power to make or break our children's self esteem and thoughts on what is pretty and not.
So I say this, to all the moms out there that may not realize it. These impressionable young girls see all and hear all even when we think they don't stop complaining about yourself and start building up your child.
Not to mention that seeing skinny people complain about thier weight also insults the shit out of people who actually do have a few pounds on them. It makes them feel worse. It's rude and disrespectful.
End rant
Wednesday 13 February 2013
Holy Crap I haven't blogged since June?
Well I couldn't possibly think of how to begin to tell you all whats happened since my last blog so...
I think I'll go with this...
My best friend is getting married.. you may have seen me mention her in my first 3 posts.. yup he finally popped the question. So now my days are filled with ribbon and tulle and fluffy.. hell no!! This is a country girl there will be no frou frou crap at that wedding! I am honoured to be part of her wedding and I'll leave it at that other than to say I'm thrilled for her and Jay.
Lets see my daughter moved out of the house into her own place... somehow I thought the house would be cleaner, bills lower and less fighting amongst siblings.. Wrong!! The other two picked up the slack and then some.
Been doing alot with my music as of late, signed with a record label and still make noise on my guitar that resembles a dying cat caught in a barbwire fence, but it's ok I will have musicians who can play the songs. Been into the recording studio a few times working on a cd.. should be out in um.. 2013.. sometime haha. The more I sing my songs though the less I like them, I think to myself how damn depressed have i been for the last 4 yeasr that THIS is the best I could come up with? Oh well it is what it is.
Discovered pinterest, I'm not sure if I had last I bloged.. yeah well it seems now i cant throw anything away cause i could might be able to use that.. much to the dismay of my OCD.. I have arguements with myself, out loud over my shit.
Got a tattoo.. yup so they say with potato chips you cant have just one.. same deal with tats.. I got one after 19 years of debate with myself and no sooner was the ink dry on my ass that I decided i needed another...i get that Friday.
Baking, Baking.. haven't done much since Christmas it wore me out but I need to I feel the need to put on my bakers jacket, crank up the metallica and go to town on some fondant and cake.. I miss it, it relaxes me. I may just go ahead and make one for the sake of not forgetting how to do it. Hmm I have nothing going on tomorrow.. yes!!! I will do it! I will do a trial run on Sheilas wedding cake.! By golly! There that takes care of the one day this week I didnt have something to do!
On that note I now need to go and see if I can make a bigger mess of the day I have already mutilated with my mouth and hands.. yes its been a day you wish you had never woken up to. I also just discovered I missed this.. just typing away getting all the thoughts in my head out.
I think I'll go with this...
My best friend is getting married.. you may have seen me mention her in my first 3 posts.. yup he finally popped the question. So now my days are filled with ribbon and tulle and fluffy.. hell no!! This is a country girl there will be no frou frou crap at that wedding! I am honoured to be part of her wedding and I'll leave it at that other than to say I'm thrilled for her and Jay.
Lets see my daughter moved out of the house into her own place... somehow I thought the house would be cleaner, bills lower and less fighting amongst siblings.. Wrong!! The other two picked up the slack and then some.
Been doing alot with my music as of late, signed with a record label and still make noise on my guitar that resembles a dying cat caught in a barbwire fence, but it's ok I will have musicians who can play the songs. Been into the recording studio a few times working on a cd.. should be out in um.. 2013.. sometime haha. The more I sing my songs though the less I like them, I think to myself how damn depressed have i been for the last 4 yeasr that THIS is the best I could come up with? Oh well it is what it is.
Discovered pinterest, I'm not sure if I had last I bloged.. yeah well it seems now i cant throw anything away cause i could might be able to use that.. much to the dismay of my OCD.. I have arguements with myself, out loud over my shit.
Got a tattoo.. yup so they say with potato chips you cant have just one.. same deal with tats.. I got one after 19 years of debate with myself and no sooner was the ink dry on my ass that I decided i needed another...i get that Friday.
Baking, Baking.. haven't done much since Christmas it wore me out but I need to I feel the need to put on my bakers jacket, crank up the metallica and go to town on some fondant and cake.. I miss it, it relaxes me. I may just go ahead and make one for the sake of not forgetting how to do it. Hmm I have nothing going on tomorrow.. yes!!! I will do it! I will do a trial run on Sheilas wedding cake.! By golly! There that takes care of the one day this week I didnt have something to do!
On that note I now need to go and see if I can make a bigger mess of the day I have already mutilated with my mouth and hands.. yes its been a day you wish you had never woken up to. I also just discovered I missed this.. just typing away getting all the thoughts in my head out.
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