Before you read this I need to warn you.. I do not want sympathy. I want understanding to my behaviors in the last year or 2.. that is all.
Lately people have questioned why I am moody, and not nice and generally don't really care to much for people's feelings.. Well.. the short answer..there is no short answer.
This will likely be my longest and most insightful blog as to who I am on the inside, so hold on to your seats, it's going to be a bumpy ride...
Lets flashback about 4.5 years, it's really when nice Chanda began her retreat behind her personal wall of protection.
I was living a decent life, 3 kids, a house a husband a dog.. you know the proverbial fairytale.. but was it?
Hardly. I was miserable. I had a husband that rarely noticed I was in the room. My hair could be on fire and he'd barely look up from his computer.
I was struggling with depression and really had no one to turn to but one friend ( i'll get to her later.. she was no friend) I was sick and I knew it, I knew something was not right so off to the doctor I went.
Turns out I had a problem with my thyroid. I knew something had been wrong for some time, I was losing weight at a rapid rate, my hair was falling out, I had no energy and no emotion for anything. I was a shell of a woman being pumped full of medication to fix what ailed me.. and still did not help.
I started having severe pain in my abdomen all the time, back to the doctor to see why.. no answers, off to a specialist.. finally he decided he wanted to do some tests, but this would wait. I found out about this time the reason my husband was so busy on the computer was so he could spend time with his "friend" he met at work.. she was married as well..needless to say that was the end of my marriage then and there, I asked him to move out that day and I became a truly single mom although I had felt for over a year I was anyways.
He left and I started my tests, these went on for about 7 months before they decided they wanted to do a punch biopsy in my uterus to test me because one test came back with not desirable results.
All through this I leaned on my friend, I contemplated taking back my husband and forgiving him and giving a go at working on our marriage. She spent a lot of time convincing me that it was a bad idea, I was better off without him, if he cheated on me once he would do it again.. wow was she ever right.. and she knew it.. as SHE was starting a relationship with him.
Doing what I think is possibly the most heinous, unthinkable, unforgivable act one person can do to someone they call a friend.
Suddenly it all came back to me how she basically had emulated every other thing about me, my hair, my style of dress, my hobbies, everything..why not my husband too and yes he was still my husband although we were separated.
All I ever heard from him was how I was all he wanted and needed. Then what was he doing with that skank?.
Well... once I showed my displeasure her and her mother ( yes a grown woman sicking her mommy on me) turned me into the villan in this.. how dare I be mad at that? It's perfectly acceptable to carry on behind someones back with your spouses friend right? I mean apparently. The harassment over this went on for well over 2 years.
The day after I found out about my so called friend and my husband I got results from the biopsy, they had found I had what they called pre-cancerous cells a very small area on the lining of my uterus, these could be removed easily but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.
I thought for a time that it really couldn't get any worse..I wanted to die.. literally.
Thankfully I did have a friend who while I had not known for long I felt I could trust to speak freely to.. I am happy to say this rock, this pillar of strength is still to this day my most cherished dearest best friend in the whole world. She has saved my life more times than she even knows.
I had found a new circle of friends and people I became close to and felt I could trust and start a new life of healthy relationships and leave the bad in the past.
These were the people I now called my close friends. I told them things I would never admit to anyone, I cried in front of them, shared my fears and in return expected only the same.
All through my health issues which seemed one after another I had another devastating blow.
I found that one of the people I cared for and called a friend was not who they claimed at all.. everything but their name was a big lie.
How do you recover entirely from that? You don't even if you try you can never trust them again.
This person had lied about everything about them, what they did, how their life was, who they were as far as a person. This hurt me so badly I didn't know what to do anymore.
I finally found the strength inside me to forgive my husband and take him back and it was a struggle, between trust issues and my health and the day to day running of a household, but you know I have to tell you all through it.. my kids and my best friend were what kept me from ending it all on several occasions.
In 2010 I was rushed to the hospital with severe pain that they thought was my appendix, it was not. Scar tissue from my c section had built up and attached itself to my ovaries and colon and needed to be surgically removed, so another surgery for me.
I recovered from this and sometimes I stand after a bath or shower and look at myself in the mirror and I see all my scars from surgeries I've had and I am reminded I survived them, I survived the breast lumps, the c sections, the laproscopic surgery to remove the scar tissue... they are my badges.. now though I prepare once more for a big one. Its the scars you can't see on the outside that cause me the real pain, the scars on my heart.
4 days before Christmas of 2011 I reached my breaking point I found myself sitting alone in my bathroom surrounded by every bottle of medication I had in the house and being I was in so much pain there were some heavy duty pain killers and depression meds at hand, enough to likely kill an elephant.
I sat on the floor looking at them all, feeling like I really had nothing left to lose. I felt I was no use to my children, my friends, or my husband the way I was.
I was crying and opening the bottles.
My step father was over visiting and in my mind this was the time to just do it. He was there for the kids, he could take care of it. He always took care of everything...Jamie was at work and I was just tired of hurting emotionally, physically, mentally. My life flashed before my eyes..my horrid childhood, my teenage years, the past years that were still fresh in my mind. All the betrayal I had endured and the feeling of hopelessness was strong. I sat there for more than 20 minutes piled all the pills into one pile and was ready to go and then it occurred to me what i was doing.. |I was not thinking clearly. I know how suicide affects a person from my own experience. How could I do this to my children? I would ruin thier lives more than I was as I was. This was permanent and in my own mind set I was sure since I was such a failure I would probably not do it right and end up a vegetable.
I poured all the pills in the toilet and flushed them and left the bathroom, I walked straight to my stepfather and told him what happened and asked him to take me to the hospital because i needed help before I hurt myself. He took me and I got the help I needed thankfully.
All through these years this pain never went away it just got worse, there were days I couldnt get out of bed. Finally I was diagnosed 2 years ago with endometriosis.. there's no cure, it spreads. There are treatments but after 2 years of them nothing has been truly effective..which leaves us with this.. a hystorectomy. Ok I'm ready for it. BUT.. I'm scared, terrified actually that what if this doesn't fix it? What if it just starts a whole new ball of problems? What if I don't survive the surgery.
The final hurt in my life came a few days after Christmas of 2011.. my grandfather, them one man I could always always count on, who raised me as his own had a stroke. I was helpless to do anything but sit at the hospital and pray.. I never prayed so much in my life until I didn't know what I was praying for anymore.. did I want him to live or did I want him out of pain? I loved this man.. the most corageous, upstanding man in my life, my role model.. laying there not in there when I looked in his eyes.
I started to pray for him to let go. Be free of the chains that held him here.
he passed away Jan 3rd 2012. I knew the moment he died. I felt it in my chest, I sat up on the couch and couldnt breathe.. the phone call came 5 minutes later.
I was devastated. I wanted him back.
Now as you are reading this you may think.. there are people who have it worse and yes there are..and someone said this to me this week.. I have a dear friend who has survived cervical cancer, kidney problems and she doesn't have the shitty outlook I do.. I can't help it. Some people deal better than others.
I snap at people, I cry everyday, I wonder what next...well I got that answer not too long ago.. what next came was in the form of yet another lump in my breast. Biopsy ok.. now what.. we could try and remove this one too but something keeps telling me this one is different, don't open it up and expose it to air..if it is bad, it will spread.
I have tried so hard to put this stupid happy grin on my face, pretend I'm strong when I'm not and try to put up this act of I'm ok.. but I'm not..I'm so weak.
I don't want sympathy, that is not the intention of this blog but more so the people who wonder :"what the hell is her problem, why does she act this way" can maybe understand.
I dont mean to be mean, I don't mean to be snarly and short with people, I don't mean to cry for what seems to others to be no reason. but unless I tell people what's wrong how can anyone understand.. I'm not just a bitch. I'm scared. I hurt. I'm human.
I also have run out of tolerance for people in my life that only come around when they need something, are bored or wonder if a snippy status is about them. Don't flatter yourself, here lately sad as it is no one really means that much to me to bother.
I have found who my true friends are and who cares.
These are the people I cling to.
I have had people say.. how can anyone help if they don't know? well.. now you know.
You will notice this has incorrect punctuation and improper paragraphing but when you are speaking from the heart and trying to lay it all out there before you change your mind about bearing it all.. these things are of little concern.
