Sad day for me today but I am a survivor

I sit here this evening with a heavy heart as I write this blog post.

Sometimes in life no matter how hard we try to make a relationship work whether it be romantic or family or plain old friendship there comes a time when you realize you care about the people in your relationships but they simply don't care back and this my friends is where I am today.

Friendships are like a big bowl of candy sitting on a table.. it gets filled up at the beginning of a friendship and then it is everyone's responsibility to take when they need and put back when others need.. if you have some who only take and take and never put back then eventually the bowl empties and there's nothing left to give or take. This is the end of the friendship..

I have been doing some self evaluating over the last month. Questioning if I am the best friend/ family member/ wife/ mother I can be and the simple answer is this. I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with.

I talked in my last post about "friends, or the people that call themselves such" well here I sit crying my eyes out feeling pain in my chest that I am certain is not related at all to my health problems after coming to the conclusion that I have to let go of a few people that while I love them dearly, they hurt me over and over and seemingly don't acknowledge it or care or try to make it my fault to ease their own guilt.

 The difference of letting go and saying goodbye is this.. saying goodbye means you will say hello again, when the time is right, when the planets align and you can renew a lost relationship. 
Letting go means you simply do just that, walk away no looking back after all you tried your best and there will never be a change that will make you happy.

The saying goes " what you allow is what will continue" sadly at what cost do you let it continue? At your own risk of losing your mind? At the expense of your own heart that gets broken over and over by the actions of others? When you feel like you aren't even yourself anymore because you are hostile, suspicious, untrusting ( and not without merit) and feel like to these people they would only notice your absence when they are bored and have no one else to use..or anyone to throw under the bus to save their own ass without any regard for the fall out.

I had a couple toxic relationships, people that I have held onto for all the wrong reasons. They were here in my life out of some misguided loyalty I have for them as in I have known them a long time. 
Some that I keep telling myself " They care, they will change, or go back to who they used to be" but this IS A LIE!! They will not change back, and time does not a friendship make. Nor does it help to tell you that your feelings are "stupid" and that you are wrong when you dare stand up for yourself when you feel wronged.
 My favorite is the "i do my best as your friend but you're never happy" um.. well here's the thing, IF in fact these people were doing their best I would be happy would I be not?

I think what we wish for when we want the "old" person back is we want the person they wanted us to think they were when in fact they have been and always will be a fake lying piece of shit that screwed you over and thinks you are too stupid to figure it out. These are the same ones who lie to you about the stupidest damn shit  knowing you can easily find out the truth and then wonder why you believe not a word they say? The ones that it has become that if they tell you the sky is blue you look up to check. How could you possibly believe them? IT'S WRONG! and its so very unhealthy to live that way.

So the last week or so I sit here on this couch and was conflicted with my mind going over many things I sat up today and a realization hit me.. I AM A DOORMAT.. I give and give until I cannot give no more and people take and take and abuse me mentally and emotionally and then have the audacity to get mad at ME when I cannot cope with it and I lash out and tell me that I am hateful and hurtful and that I am wrong about my own feelings.
 This has to end. And now it has. 
There may be fall out from this and I may lose other friends as a domino effect but if that is the case then those people were not truly my friends either so to them i will say don't let the door hit ya where God Split ya.


So here I sit with a heavy heart having just ended 2 friendships that I never imagined for one minute I ever would for the sole purpose of self preservation. Sadly, I have been sucked back into these toxic relationships so many times they may not believe this time its not goodbye.. it's just me.. removed from their orbit. I feel sad but at the same time
Maybe they will find a replacement to abuse and use as a sounding board. I am sure there will be moments when I will want to talk to them..even though I dont talk to someone anymore doesn't mean I stop caring. 
If you can do that you never cared to begin with..so that will hurt me.. but it will pass cause I know deep in my heart unless there is no one better to talk to or listen to their problems they won't think of me this way.. not once. In fact I would bet it will take them weeks to notice I am not even around.
Maybe I feel bad that I didn't properly say goodbye to them, but after several warnings and many bang my head against the wall conversations about how they hurt me.. I guess either they never thought I'd give up and walk away or they pushed me enough to ensure I did.. Only they know which it was.

Someday I will again write a happy blog. WHen I can get my health straight and find out who my friends are, while yes I do know a few that are always there when they get a " you there?" message.. they are the one that always say.. I am.